Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

#BrexitIn5Words

He’s just not into EU

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.