Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

😬

if my sleeping schedule was a person

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.