Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
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“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.