Me: Alexa am I drunk?
Roll of paper towels:
god: [squinting at earth] let me borrow your binoculars
angel: first promise you won’t get mad
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me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
My son: you’re the best mom I’ve ever had
My daughter: because she’s the only mom you’ve ever had
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Rent should be due every 90 days, every 30 is dramatic. Let’s riot.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.
Who says great literature is dead?
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Son: *turns into bat