@OllyiConic

god: [squinting at earth] let me borrow your binoculars

angel: first promise you won’t get mad

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@spacewizard_t

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

@SaraMansford

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

@Cavalorn

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

@sweetmomissa

My son: you’re the best mom I’ve ever had

Me: 🙂

My daughter: because she’s the only mom you’ve ever had

Me: 🙁

@PayMeInTacos

Rent should be due every 90 days, every 30 is dramatic. Let’s riot.

@tiffinysawyers

Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.

@oakhillbargrill

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat