God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
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going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
You watch one pimple popping video, and suddenly the algorithm thinks you have a new hobby.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about