Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

I’m not average. I’m mean.

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?