Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]

me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist