GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
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My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Follow me for more fitness tips.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…