Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

We will we will drink you

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

*pours vodka after bad day*

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

4yo: fold me like a towel

Me: what?

4yo: FOLD ME

Me: okaaay

4yo: stack me on top of the towels

Me: what?

4yo: STACK ME

Parenthood is wild

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t