Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

Final Destination: Holiday Edition.

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are: