GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
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Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side