GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
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I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”