Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
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Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time