@tweetsbyrocket
@tdwyer618
“Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?”
“He didn’t do his 1st grade homework.”
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@tdwyer618
@mommajessiec
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
@JKNenagh
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
@Mikecanrant
Just saw a shooting star. The crime in this galaxy is getting out of hand.
@brianbowman73
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
@radtoria
Whoever decided to use pantyhose as a bank robbing disguise must have had one hell of a speech to convince his buds to follow along.
@squirrel74wkgn
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
@LeannaZaiden
I get bi with a little help from my girl friends.
@HomeProbably
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.