@tweetsbyrocket
@coketruck76
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
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@coketruck76
@thatdutchperson
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
@StarWarsProblms
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
@JennyJohnsonHi5
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
@Tommassh
*looks through telescope*
*telescope thinks you’re looking at him and waves*
*you wave at Jupiter behind*
*telescope awkwardly lowers hand*
@KylePlantEmoji
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
@TheTweetOfGod
All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?
@KentWGraham
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
@LoverOfComics94
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
@hermanntrude
Me: *holding a frying pan*
Brain: hit someone with it
Me:
Brain: DO IT! It’ll go BONG!