“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
The answer is tired.
god: these are humans
angel: how do they work
god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…
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THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
Me: would that make you happy?
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
*looks through telescope*
*telescope thinks you’re looking at him and waves*
*you wave at Jupiter behind*
*telescope awkwardly lowers hand*
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Me: *holding a frying pan*
Brain: hit someone with it
Brain: DO IT! It’ll go BONG!