god: these are humans

angel: how do they work

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…

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“Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?”

“He didn’t do his 1st grade homework.”


7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.


7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit


Just saw a shooting star. The crime in this galaxy is getting out of hand.


Whoever decided to use pantyhose as a bank robbing disguise must have had one hell of a speech to convince his buds to follow along.


Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.


I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.