Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?