Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
God: They shall remember your journey and your sacrifice.
Jesus: Thank you, father.
God: There shall be a bunny.
God: And chocolate eggs.
God: Shhhh. I’m enjoying my new creation, marijuana. Don’t harsh my mellow.
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Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
There’s nothing more disturbing than the 1st time you hear someone you know using their “whooo’s a good dog” voice.
Every grocery store has free samples if you’re quick enough
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.