landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV