God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
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It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.