God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
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Lmbo
Thinking about a snail with a limp
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.