ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
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I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.