GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
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My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?