Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

Oh, I bet you would be

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

Double negatives are never not confusing.

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.