GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
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Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Dishonest mechanic?
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice