God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
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Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
describing stardew valley
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.