God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
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Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
look scared
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.