God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
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I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.