God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
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It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one