God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
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I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Not recommended for beginners.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”