God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife


God: starrrrrting now

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The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies


sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this


I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!


[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.


*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*


My daughter just said that I’m the best dad she’s ever had. So I got that going for me.


if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming