God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
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Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️