The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
God: starrrrrting now
You Might Also Like
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Alcohol is claiming me as a dependent on his taxes this year.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
My daughter just said that I’m the best dad she’s ever had. So I got that going for me.
if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming