God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
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People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture