You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
You Might Also Like
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
584.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.