God tier horse name today on the sims
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If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.