God tier horse name today on the sims
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I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.