God tier horse name today on the sims
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Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?