God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
You Might Also Like
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.