Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

[inventing jogging]

how can i suffer but with music

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE

*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

Finally, a door that understands me

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.