GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
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My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Greeting humans vs their dogs
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
