Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

time machine? you mean a clock?

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”