Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.