Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

*My Gym Schedule*

Monday: Cardio

Tuesday: Intense weight training

Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training

Thursday: 3 year break

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto