Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.