Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.