Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

🤪😜

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“