Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

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Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene