Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies