God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
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If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Watermelon Boss!
Wait for it
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?