God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
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1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Whisper out to librarians!
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”