God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

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Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.


Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.


I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.


We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too


Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy


WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen


ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.


My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.


Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job