Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…

ME: whoa you guys serve here?

DOCTOR:…of tests.

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.