[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
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I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
relationship goals
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
me after i passed that state trooper
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best