[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
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Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Lol.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week