‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
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Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry