*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
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if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor