*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk![]()
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Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.