Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend sent me this.

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.