Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.