Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

Yeah. This was me today.

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again