Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.