Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

Wednesday

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.