Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!