Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

i will avenge u mr van gogh

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

who’s gonna tell her?

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

Pee pressure > peer pressure

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

this is the best interaction on twitter

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit