Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

Is this you?

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?