GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

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Folks I’m seeing Trainwreck tomorrow night. Then after the GOP debate, I might go to the new Amy Schumer movie! Yeah, I went there


Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?

“hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”


*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*


Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.


Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….


Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?


My favorite pickup line is when a guy just slides an order of mozzarella sticks towards me.


Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.


Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]


My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.