@internetluke

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

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@Musings_of_wine

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

@ddsmidt

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

@LoveNLunchmeat

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

@Gupton68

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

@Sarcasmo718

I’ll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?

@AlexRogaski

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

@KentWGraham

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

@rad_milk

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

@patrickmarkryan

You’re not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person’s name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook