GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
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Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”