Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.