Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

How blind am I? Thank you so much for asking. I spent entirely too long trying to beckon the cat over to me in the middle of the night only to realize upon waking that I was gesturing to a stack of towels I neglected to put away before I fell asleep

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??