Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

[loses house key, starts a new life]