God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
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This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?