Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”

I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.