Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

Duolingo getting serious.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

Admin smashed it 😂

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?