@OhNoSheTwitnt

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

- @OhNoSheTwitnt

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@Bownuggets

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

@ThaJawn

“Cute cat, what’s it’s name?”

Too-ra-loo-ra, but you have to sing, or she won’t come

“Um ok,🎶 Too-ra-l”

SHE WON’T COME! IT’S A CAT! HAHA

@AbbieEvansXO

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

@CAshmanActor

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

@Donna_McCoy

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

@Reverend_Scott

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

@CornOnTheGoblin

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

@HonestToddler

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.